An Open Letter

To all of those who send me spam and try to phish.

Dear Brainless Prat,

I am flattered that you seem to believe that I have numerous international bank accounts with Chase Manhattan/HSBC/Barclays/[Insert name of other financial institution here], regrettably this is not the case, however if you would like to make a contribution to reduce my overdraft it would be more than welcome. Equally I am sure that you mean well with your financial advice but as I am not exactly in a position to invest heavily in shares in SupaGetRichQuick International, not of course that I believe that the company actually exists, so please leave me alone.

With regard to the constant offers of assorted pharmaceutical products, I am actually quite irritated by the fact that you seem to believe that I actually need to buy viagra, and I can only assume that the purpose of advertising this with vicodin (A painkiller I believe) is that when the lady refuses to take advantage of the effects of the aforementioned viagra due to a headache you have something else to offer. My advice is that you should try a combination of your own products - may I recommend a cocktail of tricyclics, hypnotics and some benzodiazepines. Now go away and trouble someone else with your wearysome sales patter.

And as for fake rolexes, genuine offers available on the internet only, unbelievably cheap pirated software and mail-order Russian brides - thanks but it'll be a cold day in hell before I take up your offer.

Yours
Mister Very Angry and Irritable