Agonise

Some very foolish and clearly misguided people have asked me for advice, now I ask you do I look like Claire fucking Raynor? No. Do I seem like the sort of person who would be able to give good advice on what to do about excess pubic hair or how to mend broken garden gnomes? I really don't think so. So people what actully qualifies me to give you advice on the problems that you have in your entirely futile existence. Nothing at all. So why bother asking.

Yet for some reason there are people out there who seem to believe that I genuinely know what might be best for them, that I'm interested in what they are doing and that I'll be suitably impressed when they give me the painful details about how their child only has one tooth and is attempting to eat the sofa - and how can they help the cognitive development of their offspring.

Well for what it's worth here's the Dark Adapted Eye quick guide to child development:
1. Have them adopted by someone who is RESPONSIBLE and who LIKES CHILDREN - this will give them an enriched and fulfilling environment.
2. Talk to them in Armenian. You can't understand what they are saying so why should they be allowed to understand you? Give them a wipe-clean phrase book and this will foster both independence and the acquisition of language skills
3. On no account should you give them a silly name. This will make them self-concious at school and will hinder their development completely.
4. Stop wasting my time by asking me about things I'm not interested in.